Six Months Out! What next?

I read the 7th paragraph of my patriarchal blessing (what's that?) a third time as I sit in my car late at night in the driveway, pondering how the next six months will differ from the first six since I came out on November 4th.

So this means I'm supposed to get married and be a good husband and a good dad, and everything will be swell, right?

This paragraph is the one that mentions eternal marriage and the future. I lean back the driver's seat and open the moon roof to gain a clear view of the stars in the expansive sky. There can't possibly be another paragraph more applicable to my concerns with same-sex attraction and how the future is supposed to work out, so I lightly skim the rest of the blessing.

The second time through, my eye catches the end of the 3rd paragraph: 

"...that you might choose a path in accordance with the lessons of life which you shall experience..."

I sit up straight. Wait...what? I can choose my path? There's more than one path? Doesn't everything in my blessing mark THE ONE path I'm supposed to take? I continue reading:

"You are admonished to be faithful unto the Lord Jesus Christ throughout your life, to honor and sustain the holy priesthood, to heed the words of the living prophet that you might avoid the sadness and misery of this earth life..."

So...maybe I am free to choose a single path of several possible ones that please God, with the caveat that I heed the mentioned principles. 

I lean back again and ponder some more. What if my path conforms to the doctrine but not to traditions? Can I carve my own way through this? Is a non-sexual but emotionally close same-sex friendship or relationship that conforms to the For the Strength of Youth standards acceptable? 

Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. -For the Strength of Youth

Is it acceptable to me? To God? To those who think highly of me? Even if it doesn't conform to some of the social and cultural traditions in the church?

Why am I afraid to explore this question? Am I afraid I'll be judged by others according to cultural traditions instead of doctrine? Will others think I am a less faithful child of God if I don't pursue marriage? 


What if I just want to be an awesome uncle to all of my nieces and nephew for the rest of my life?

I shiver as the cool breeze flows through one car window and out the other. I glance at the clock on the dash...an hour and a half—it's enough pondering for one night. After all, being gay is on my mind every single day. I sigh, sit up, close up the car, and put away my pondering face as I walk up the steps to the house. My family is supportive but doesn't talk about this much, and I don't want to overwhelm them with gay stuff. I won't bother them about it tonight...I'm old news.

Two days from now will be my 6-month coming-out mark, so I'll write a blog post about it then and annoy all my facebook friends with another gay post. May the fourth be with me :)

Dan Bunker