Six Months Out! What next?

I read the 7th paragraph of my patriarchal blessing (what's that?) a third time as I sit in my car late at night in the driveway, pondering how the next six months will differ from the first six since I came out on November 4th.

So this means I'm supposed to get married and be a good husband and a good dad, and everything will be swell, right?

This paragraph is the one that mentions eternal marriage and the future. I lean back the driver's seat and open the moon roof to gain a clear view of the stars in the expansive sky. There can't possibly be another paragraph more applicable to my concerns with same-sex attraction and how the future is supposed to work out, so I lightly skim the rest of the blessing.

The second time through, my eye catches the end of the 3rd paragraph: 

"...that you might choose a path in accordance with the lessons of life which you shall experience..."

I sit up straight. Wait...what? I can choose my path? There's more than one path? Doesn't everything in my blessing mark THE ONE path I'm supposed to take? I continue reading:

"You are admonished to be faithful unto the Lord Jesus Christ throughout your life, to honor and sustain the holy priesthood, to heed the words of the living prophet that you might avoid the sadness and misery of this earth life..."

So...maybe I am free to choose a single path of several possible ones that please God, with the caveat that I heed the mentioned principles. 

I lean back again and ponder some more. What if my path conforms to the doctrine but not to traditions? Can I carve my own way through this? Is a non-sexual but emotionally close same-sex friendship or relationship that conforms to the For the Strength of Youth standards acceptable? 

Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. -For the Strength of Youth

Is it acceptable to me? To God? To those who think highly of me? Even if it doesn't conform to some of the social and cultural traditions in the church?

Why am I afraid to explore this question? Am I afraid I'll be judged by others according to cultural traditions instead of doctrine? Will others think I am a less faithful child of God if I don't pursue marriage? 


What if I just want to be an awesome uncle to all of my nieces and nephew for the rest of my life?

I shiver as the cool breeze flows through one car window and out the other. I glance at the clock on the dash...an hour and a half—it's enough pondering for one night. After all, being gay is on my mind every single day. I sigh, sit up, close up the car, and put away my pondering face as I walk up the steps to the house. My family is supportive but doesn't talk about this much, and I don't want to overwhelm them with gay stuff. I won't bother them about it tonight...I'm old news.

Two days from now will be my 6-month coming-out mark, so I'll write a blog post about it then and annoy all my facebook friends with another gay post. May the fourth be with me :)

Dan Bunker

My Gay Story [part 6]

A continuation of my story. Originally written 29 October 2013. 
Read part 1 / en español
Read part 2 / en español
Read part 3 / en español

Read part 4 / en español
Read part 5

Read part 6

I emailed our professor asking for help searching for gay bioinformatics data. He responded that he had spent hours and hours also looking for some, but he couldn't find anything either. He recommended that we do a similar analysis on Alzheimer's Disease data that the university already has. Our project came to a grinding halt. I felt frustrated. All for nothing? I thought. Then Jimmy emails me:

To: Dan Bunker
Subject: The Stars Have Aligned...

---

...to have our project royally slaughtered. Meh.
Any last thoughts?

Hmmm. What do I say? "Thanks for letting me hide behind you"? "This sucks because I wanted to find a cause of homosexuality"? Do I tell him that I was invested in the project because I was gay too? I know almost ZERO about gay culture. And LESS about gay culture in the Church. And EVEN LESS about gay culture in the Church at BYU. I started thinking: does having a support group, say alcoholics anonymous, make it easier to get through your experience or does the temptation become stronger because you're talking about it and opening up about it? Luckily I took a chance, betting on the values that Jimmy expressed in his video. I asked for help and advice. Here's an excerpt from that same email conversation; I replied:

This really stinks…last thoughts? yeah. I am really invested in this topic too. I'm gay but haven't had the time to really deal with it or address it since I realized and accepted it at the end of August...So just a huge thank-you to you for being at the comfort level that you are to blatantly get to the point. I don't think it is by chance that we are in the same class, that you were asked your topic before most of the class (out of alphabetical order too), and that the professor asked me right after you. Maybe it's ok that this project is a flop—it was good to meet someone else that has my same circumstance but is a few steps ahead of me and get in touch with the reality of it.
On that note, I know you've written lots on your blog, but any quick advice on how to manage the day-to-day stress of being gay? I mean, testimony and faith aside (they're solid), it's still hard, and it still sucks sometimes—these last 2 weeks have been especially challenging.

He offered some words of comfort and advice. Part of his response:

It's funny, me being gay is no secret (clearly), but I usually don't go around parading it.  In fact, the day before I came out to our class, I had a strange, yet strong feeling that I should come out the way I did, all loud and what not.

The result is a testimony that God, even though it may seem that He leaves us alone for a bit, is working hard behind the scenes (on all different sides) to bring things together for our good. I just had to trust in that, and I was greatly rewarded for doing so. To me, Jimmy's strange, yet strong feeling was inspiration and an answer to my prayers. A gay gene wasn't the help I was supposed to find in this class, it was Jimmy.

Dan Bunker

My Gay Story [part 5]

A continuation of my story. Originally written 29 October 2013. 
Read part 1 / en español
Read part 2 / en español
Read part 3 / en español

Read part 4 / en español
Read part 5

Read part 6

I became passionate about the topic, searching hours into the early morning, looking for DNA sequences of homosexual men in online genetic databases so I could run some statistical software. Despite not finding anything, I didn't lose determination. After all, currently it takes about $10,000 to sequence one whole genome, $1,000 to sequence an exome (the set of DNA base sequences that are known to actually code for proteins), and about $100 to screen for commonly mutated Single Nucleotide Polymorphisms (SNP, a single-point mutation in a DNA sequence) that are associated with certain diseases. 

A Single-point mutation

I figured, there are lots of statistics, and a common one is that about 10% of a random population is gay. Maybe we are the Lord's tithing...the 10% set apart for a different purpose, I amusedly thought. Anyhow, that means that to achieve statistical significance, you have to have a large enough sample size to get lots of gay individuals and the proportional number of straight individuals as well. You'd then have to quantify the phenotype (put a number on just how gay someone is), sequence the entire genome of all in the sample ($10,000 each), and find any correlations between the degree of gayness and certain mutations in the genome. 

However, sequencing an entire genome is inefficient and cost-ineffective for a company because two unrelated humans have somewhere in the ballpark of 99.5 percent identical genomes. So most companies just screen that .5% difference for common disease-associated mutations. But, with all the studies that have been done to find a definite "gay gene", nobody has been able to pin down reliable and reproducible results. 

Now I was frustrated. Hours and hours more of researching, and still finding nothing, I went to God in prayer. Why? You've guided me here this far, you've taken care to protect my emotions by letting me hide behind Jimmy, the super out guy. I'm happily researching away my topic, but I'M NOT FINDING ANYTHING! WASN'T THE WHOLE POINT OF YOU LEADING ME HERE TO HELP ME?

Dan Bunker

My Gay Story [part 4]

A continuation of my story. Originally written 29 October 2013. 
Read part 1 / en español
Read part 2 / en español
Read part 3 / en español

Read part 4 / en español
Read part 5

Read part 6

Then I was off, back to BYU. I was called as executive secretary in our ward, where I'm currently serving**. As executive secretary at the beginning of a semester in a student Young Single Adult ward, I was busy. I ran my phone battery down from 100% to 0% twice a day for good week and a half, and not much better for the next month. Scheduling appointments and get-to-know-you interviews with the bishopric, administrative meetings on several nights of the week, and marathon Sunday meetings helped my grades to tank for the first month of school. Throw in some Utah storms, flooding, and emergency cleanup all at the same time, and I was really suffering academically (a big deal to me). But I was grateful for the chance to serve, and in the past month I've pulled up my grades mostly back to normal, established a good routine, and had the blessing of an assistant executive secretary. In short, I didn't have time to confront my SSA experience further or confront friends about it. Through all this, I felt sustained in my calling but a little abandoned in my same-gender attraction difficulties. It felt like God had said: Yep! You're right, Dan, this is your challenge, your greatest offering to me! Now get on it! I felt alone, stuck. This went on for the first couple weeks of the semester. I was left spiritually and emotionally bogged down.

My major is Computer Science with an emphasis in Bioinformatics. I've always been fascinated by and curious about how form meets function in the human body. Cells, molecules, and all their interactions are coded in DNA, God's source code for the human body. I'm still convinced that God is the greatest programmer. But sometimes our code modifies itself and despite all the feedback control and error-correcting processes that are programmed in, we see things like genetic defects, diseases, dysfunctions, cancers, etc. I wanted to study the why and the how. Naturally, as I came to accept that I'm gay, I wanted to see the genetic basis for it. I knew that there is an immense debate as to how much genetics contributes and how much the environment contributes. My CS 418 Bioinformatics class has a research project that we are to get involved in. The day that we were to come to class with a brief description of what we wanted to research (so that we could form groups), I was terrified. How do I do this? It's a round-robin, with our professor calling out names and asking what our desired research topic was. My mind is racing. My heart is aching. I know that my name is one of the first, alphabetically. He's gonna call on me first, I just know it. How can I phrase my topic? How about "The role of epigenetics in prenatal cell differentiation" or "the effect of DNA methylation in development of diseases/abnormalities"? I'm trying to strike a balance between being able to study the genetic basis of homosexuality and being able to work with a group without them knowing I'm gay. The professor continues calling out names.

Suddenly a loud voice fills the room: "Well...I am a gay man." 

HOLY CRAP. Did I just say that? My heart stops. Me? How could my voice betray me like that?! NOT FAIR! The professor responds: "so...the Biology of Hom Gay  Homosexuality," struggling to find the BYU-appropriate terminology. Our professor looks up at someone else. WAIT...WHAT? Who's he looking at? What just happened? Another guy in our class confirms the topic to our professor, who is editing the possible-topics page in an online class wiki. "Daniel Bunker?" he calls out next. I respond weakly "Uh, throw my name up on this topic too."  I can't believe it. Another gay guy is in my class! The professor continues with the names. Suddenly another guy decides to join the group. Hurray! This one's not even gay! It's perfect—a gay guy that's out, a gay guy that's closeted, and a straight guy. Nobody has to know about me! No guilt by association here!

My Bioinformatics research group: Jimmy, Me, Scott.
Guess the straight one!

**I'm no longer serving as executive secretary, but that's a story for another day :)

Dan Bunker

My Gay Story [part 3]

A continuation of my story. Originally written 29 October 2013. 
Read part 1 / en español
Read part 2 / en español
Read part 3 / en español

Read part 4 / en español
Read part 5

Read part 6

The biggest turning point in my attitude and hope occurred as I was serving as Sunday School President over spring/summer terms at BYU. I prepared a lesson on Joseph Smith's experience in Liberty Jail, focusing on section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants. I had read this section many, many times before, but for some reason this time it was different. I put myself in Joseph's place. Abraham had his Mount Moriah, Jesus had his Gethsemane, Joseph had his liberty jail, I have my same-gender attraction. Abraham offers up his son on the altar, and Jehovah sends his voice through an angel. Jesus, in agony, prays more earnestly, and the Father sends an angel, strengthening Him. Joseph offers his plea, and the Lord sends His voice. I pray, and God answers me similar to how He answered Joseph: first He comforts Joseph with an eternal perspective. Then He gives Joseph some key instruction:

Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job.

Joseph, TURN TO YOUR FRIENDS. I melted. I have never really reached out to anyone for emotional support, ever. I'm a pretty independent person. What is a friend supposed to do? To be? What is a FRIEND? By the Lord's definition, do I have any FRIENDS? A quick search on scriptures.lds.org for 'friend' in the Doctrine and Covenants brings a list.

Rafiki means friend in Swahili. Also, he gives
good knocks on the head at opportune
moments, as a friend should.

So a friend is exactly what Jesus Christ considers us. A friend stands by you, offers a warm heart and friendly hands, does not contend against you, does not charge you with transgression (judge), and offers comfort and joy. No matter what. The Lord gives us friends and family for that purpose. He reminded Joseph of this, and He reminded me of this. I had to consider how to turn to my friends. I felt it as a commandment directly to me, piercing straight into my heart: DAN: Turn to your friends. This is what I gave them to you for!  But I was stubborn: I'm independent! Cue the humbling knock on the head (think Rafiki, which ironically means FRIEND in Swahili!)

So I began my journey considering my 'friends'. How do I ask for support? Do I be vague and just ask for prayers in my behalf? Do I come out to them? To whom? When? How? I let it stew for a couple of months. 

Summer term ended and circumstances allowed for me to return home to Illinois for a week and a half before starting fall semester again. I was determined to act on that prompting. 

At the shooting range with good friends
back home. We went shooting twice in the
week and a half I was home...and yes, I did
shoot more than just a staple gun--I'm particularly
fond of my mom's Glock :D

I had an enjoyable week at home, but this experience was gnawing at the back of my brain. Remember me? I'm still here! I waited until the night before I was to head back out to BYU. I sat down on a couch in our living room and just waited until my mom came in to the room and sat down too. I asked to talk. 

While I was home, my brother Brian was
able to visit from New York! Diesel, the
family dog, knew his place in the car.

We did, and I shared my experience of same-gender attraction with her. It's hard enough to face it alone the first time you realize it. Then it's harder to tell someone else. And it's even harder to watch your mother deal with it. We shed tears together, talked about it, and talked some more. My mom is a great FRIEND, by all definitions.

My mom is the best friend anyone
could ask for. Also she's a great shot. 

Dan Bunker

My Gay Story [part 2]

A continuation of my story. Originally written 29 October 2013. 
Read part 1 / en español
Read part 2 / en español
Read part 3 / en español

Read part 4 / en español
Read part 5

Read part 6

For so long I've felt like Abraham, climbing Mount Moriah, building an altar, preparing to give my sacrifice to the Lord, for I love Him. But for so long I've been waiting for His approval of my sacrifice. 

Abraham yielding his greatest sacrifice

I would put what I thought was my greatest sacrifice on the altar and kneel and wait. Nothing. Flustered, I took it back off and swapped it out for something else. Surely this would be the right sacrifice. Kneel and wait. Nothing. Magnify calling. Nope. Try to do my part in making a blended family work. Nada. Serve a mission. Zilch. Full tithe, service, love, charity, scripture study, faith, fasting, you name it. All good things to offer the Lord, but none were the one required for my Abrahamic Test. I started thinking harder. It's mighty hard to place something on the altar that you deny possession of. Especially when deep down you know you might have it, and the Lord definitely knows you have it. So this has been my experience lately: soul-searching and acknowledging possession of something the Lord requires of me. A path that I do not know. This is my required offering unto the Lord upon the altar.

I've never been suicidal, though I understand how someone with this experience could be, and I try not to judge those who have attempted it. I've never thought "I just can't live up to what the Lord expects of me, I'm not good enough," which is a thought that many have. I have made mistakes, yes, committed sins, yes. The thing is, I believe in repentance. 

The Book of Mormon Title page explains its purpose: to convince us that we are never cast off forever because of Christ and His Atonement. Simply put, I believe that is the purpose of all scripture: to persuade us that we aren't cast off. If we are convinced of this, we will repent and come unto Christ. 

The thoughts that I have had more recently have been ones like "Okay, now that you've repented, don't do anything to screw it up." I would try and bug God with "Hey, ya know, if you're cool with it and all, I wouldn't mind if you said my time was up here 'cause I'm doin' pretty good right now." 

A friend of a friend wrote me the following message, which impacted my outlook on this experience:

Dear Brother, [Your friend] has told me a little bit about you. Not your name or anything specific, just that you know that you're gay and how hard that can be in the church. I felt like reaching out to you. I'm sure you have wonderful people in your life and an email from a stranger can't mean much. But I just wanted to be another voice. I wanted to share with you that I love you. I know that our Heavenly Father loves you completely. He loves you exactly as you are. If you were the only person in the world to ever take part in the atonement, the Savior would have suffered it all just for you, because you're worth it.

As I shared some thoughts with another friend, he told me, "You're God's little boy. He'll take care of

I'm God's little boy

you."

People like these two have helped me gain a new perspective. Now I've started to have better thoughts of "Oh, this is my purpose, my path. I can do this."

Dan Bunker

My Gay Story [part 1]

Mexico City, Mexico. September 2010-2012

This is the coming-out post that I wrote first but never published. Instead, I wrote this post. Now, I feel more comfortable sharing this experience.

Originally written 29 October 2013:

Read part 1 / en español
Read part 2 / en español
Read part 3 / en español

Read part 4 / en español
Read part 5

Read part 6

My life has been going full-steam ahead, with hardly any time to breathe. I got off the mission and hit life hard. It's a bit like riding the moving walkway in the Chicago O'Hare airport (or really any airport) where you're running on it to go really fast and then it ends. You keep running but you're not going fast anymore. It just FEELS inefficient, even though you're moving as fast as your legs can carry you.

Achieving High Goals - Eagle Scout

The past two weeks for me have been really difficult. I'm gay. Wait...What? Yeah, that's what I thought too. Raised in the church, you are taught to set high goals, inspired to achieve them, full-steam ahead. The mission accelerated that. Then you get off the moving walkway and real life starts. I've seen great friends, mission companions, and ward members dating, getting engaged, and getting married. Full-steam ahead. I've been in this surreal dream since my teenage years, wondering when this "straight" thing was supposed to happen to me. Sure, as a teenager, your hormones are raging and you don't really understand your feelings, right? Reality check: those feelings become fixed rather quickly. I didn't know that. I was waiting for so long to make sense of all the 'set boundaries, don't date until you're 16, bridle your passions, obey the law of chastity' counsel. Sure they made logical sense to me, but not emotional sense. Was it hard for other guys to keep clean thoughts around girls? I didn't seem to have a problem with it. It was the physical features of guys that were interesting to me (I didn't know that was called 'being gay' haha). I only realized a short time ago (leading up to my writing this) that, yes, I am attracted to men and not women. And I realized the term for it: gay. Homosexual. Same-Sex attraction. Same-gender attraction. Whatever you call it, it's the same thing in my opinion.

Switching to Computer Science, Bioinformatics Emphasis

So when I realized this, the duly-named blog title was my reaction: Wait...What? Imagine getting through 3 years of college in a degree program, then suddenly you realize...this isn't for me. You switch majors to one that requires you to recalculate all of your goals, the what, the when, the how. That is what this has been like for me. I was wary at first, but then I accepted it and intend to start going full-steam again. 

What helped me most recently in the transition from being wary to acceptance was a hymn sung by the ward choir at church, particularly the first verse:

It may not be on a mountain height, or over a stormy sea, it may not be on the battle's front my Lord may have need of me. But if, by a still, small voice he calls, to paths that I do not know, I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine, "I'll go where you want me to go"...

For so long I was preparing for the battle's front, for the mountain height, for the stormy sea. The Lord calls many, many people to these places. I was taught my priesthood duties, how to treat women, how to be a good father and husband. But recently, the Lord with a still small voice has called me to paths that I do not know.  What is my answer? What do I do? Where do I go? What do I say? I'll say what You want me to say, do what you want me to do, be what you want me to be, dear Lord. ...Savior, if Thou wilt be my guide, though dark and rugged the way, I'll... I will. That is the only answer.




Dan Bunker