My Gay Story [part 6]

A continuation of my story. Originally written 29 October 2013. 
Read part 1 / en español
Read part 2 / en español
Read part 3 / en español

Read part 4 / en español
Read part 5

Read part 6

I emailed our professor asking for help searching for gay bioinformatics data. He responded that he had spent hours and hours also looking for some, but he couldn't find anything either. He recommended that we do a similar analysis on Alzheimer's Disease data that the university already has. Our project came to a grinding halt. I felt frustrated. All for nothing? I thought. Then Jimmy emails me:

To: Dan Bunker
Subject: The Stars Have Aligned...

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...to have our project royally slaughtered. Meh.
Any last thoughts?

Hmmm. What do I say? "Thanks for letting me hide behind you"? "This sucks because I wanted to find a cause of homosexuality"? Do I tell him that I was invested in the project because I was gay too? I know almost ZERO about gay culture. And LESS about gay culture in the Church. And EVEN LESS about gay culture in the Church at BYU. I started thinking: does having a support group, say alcoholics anonymous, make it easier to get through your experience or does the temptation become stronger because you're talking about it and opening up about it? Luckily I took a chance, betting on the values that Jimmy expressed in his video. I asked for help and advice. Here's an excerpt from that same email conversation; I replied:

This really stinks…last thoughts? yeah. I am really invested in this topic too. I'm gay but haven't had the time to really deal with it or address it since I realized and accepted it at the end of August...So just a huge thank-you to you for being at the comfort level that you are to blatantly get to the point. I don't think it is by chance that we are in the same class, that you were asked your topic before most of the class (out of alphabetical order too), and that the professor asked me right after you. Maybe it's ok that this project is a flop—it was good to meet someone else that has my same circumstance but is a few steps ahead of me and get in touch with the reality of it.
On that note, I know you've written lots on your blog, but any quick advice on how to manage the day-to-day stress of being gay? I mean, testimony and faith aside (they're solid), it's still hard, and it still sucks sometimes—these last 2 weeks have been especially challenging.

He offered some words of comfort and advice. Part of his response:

It's funny, me being gay is no secret (clearly), but I usually don't go around parading it.  In fact, the day before I came out to our class, I had a strange, yet strong feeling that I should come out the way I did, all loud and what not.

The result is a testimony that God, even though it may seem that He leaves us alone for a bit, is working hard behind the scenes (on all different sides) to bring things together for our good. I just had to trust in that, and I was greatly rewarded for doing so. To me, Jimmy's strange, yet strong feeling was inspiration and an answer to my prayers. A gay gene wasn't the help I was supposed to find in this class, it was Jimmy.

Dan Bunker

My Gay Story [part 5]

A continuation of my story. Originally written 29 October 2013. 
Read part 1 / en español
Read part 2 / en español
Read part 3 / en español

Read part 4 / en español
Read part 5

Read part 6

I became passionate about the topic, searching hours into the early morning, looking for DNA sequences of homosexual men in online genetic databases so I could run some statistical software. Despite not finding anything, I didn't lose determination. After all, currently it takes about $10,000 to sequence one whole genome, $1,000 to sequence an exome (the set of DNA base sequences that are known to actually code for proteins), and about $100 to screen for commonly mutated Single Nucleotide Polymorphisms (SNP, a single-point mutation in a DNA sequence) that are associated with certain diseases. 

A Single-point mutation

I figured, there are lots of statistics, and a common one is that about 10% of a random population is gay. Maybe we are the Lord's tithing...the 10% set apart for a different purpose, I amusedly thought. Anyhow, that means that to achieve statistical significance, you have to have a large enough sample size to get lots of gay individuals and the proportional number of straight individuals as well. You'd then have to quantify the phenotype (put a number on just how gay someone is), sequence the entire genome of all in the sample ($10,000 each), and find any correlations between the degree of gayness and certain mutations in the genome. 

However, sequencing an entire genome is inefficient and cost-ineffective for a company because two unrelated humans have somewhere in the ballpark of 99.5 percent identical genomes. So most companies just screen that .5% difference for common disease-associated mutations. But, with all the studies that have been done to find a definite "gay gene", nobody has been able to pin down reliable and reproducible results. 

Now I was frustrated. Hours and hours more of researching, and still finding nothing, I went to God in prayer. Why? You've guided me here this far, you've taken care to protect my emotions by letting me hide behind Jimmy, the super out guy. I'm happily researching away my topic, but I'M NOT FINDING ANYTHING! WASN'T THE WHOLE POINT OF YOU LEADING ME HERE TO HELP ME?

Dan Bunker

My Gay Story [part 4]

A continuation of my story. Originally written 29 October 2013. 
Read part 1 / en español
Read part 2 / en español
Read part 3 / en español

Read part 4 / en español
Read part 5

Read part 6

Then I was off, back to BYU. I was called as executive secretary in our ward, where I'm currently serving**. As executive secretary at the beginning of a semester in a student Young Single Adult ward, I was busy. I ran my phone battery down from 100% to 0% twice a day for good week and a half, and not much better for the next month. Scheduling appointments and get-to-know-you interviews with the bishopric, administrative meetings on several nights of the week, and marathon Sunday meetings helped my grades to tank for the first month of school. Throw in some Utah storms, flooding, and emergency cleanup all at the same time, and I was really suffering academically (a big deal to me). But I was grateful for the chance to serve, and in the past month I've pulled up my grades mostly back to normal, established a good routine, and had the blessing of an assistant executive secretary. In short, I didn't have time to confront my SSA experience further or confront friends about it. Through all this, I felt sustained in my calling but a little abandoned in my same-gender attraction difficulties. It felt like God had said: Yep! You're right, Dan, this is your challenge, your greatest offering to me! Now get on it! I felt alone, stuck. This went on for the first couple weeks of the semester. I was left spiritually and emotionally bogged down.

My major is Computer Science with an emphasis in Bioinformatics. I've always been fascinated by and curious about how form meets function in the human body. Cells, molecules, and all their interactions are coded in DNA, God's source code for the human body. I'm still convinced that God is the greatest programmer. But sometimes our code modifies itself and despite all the feedback control and error-correcting processes that are programmed in, we see things like genetic defects, diseases, dysfunctions, cancers, etc. I wanted to study the why and the how. Naturally, as I came to accept that I'm gay, I wanted to see the genetic basis for it. I knew that there is an immense debate as to how much genetics contributes and how much the environment contributes. My CS 418 Bioinformatics class has a research project that we are to get involved in. The day that we were to come to class with a brief description of what we wanted to research (so that we could form groups), I was terrified. How do I do this? It's a round-robin, with our professor calling out names and asking what our desired research topic was. My mind is racing. My heart is aching. I know that my name is one of the first, alphabetically. He's gonna call on me first, I just know it. How can I phrase my topic? How about "The role of epigenetics in prenatal cell differentiation" or "the effect of DNA methylation in development of diseases/abnormalities"? I'm trying to strike a balance between being able to study the genetic basis of homosexuality and being able to work with a group without them knowing I'm gay. The professor continues calling out names.

Suddenly a loud voice fills the room: "Well...I am a gay man." 

HOLY CRAP. Did I just say that? My heart stops. Me? How could my voice betray me like that?! NOT FAIR! The professor responds: "so...the Biology of Hom Gay  Homosexuality," struggling to find the BYU-appropriate terminology. Our professor looks up at someone else. WAIT...WHAT? Who's he looking at? What just happened? Another guy in our class confirms the topic to our professor, who is editing the possible-topics page in an online class wiki. "Daniel Bunker?" he calls out next. I respond weakly "Uh, throw my name up on this topic too."  I can't believe it. Another gay guy is in my class! The professor continues with the names. Suddenly another guy decides to join the group. Hurray! This one's not even gay! It's perfect—a gay guy that's out, a gay guy that's closeted, and a straight guy. Nobody has to know about me! No guilt by association here!

My Bioinformatics research group: Jimmy, Me, Scott.
Guess the straight one!

**I'm no longer serving as executive secretary, but that's a story for another day :)

Dan Bunker